stillhaventfound.org

I dunno whether I’ll continue to write much here this year. I think it’s a sign that I’m living closer to my dreams if I read and write less! It’s about living the life after all, not just thinking about it.

No doubt, the mind is important. The two most important and fascinating intellectual pursuits over the past few years for me have been Theology and International Development. Interest in the former dates back at least 10 years when I truly became a Christian, while that of the latter started from around 2001.

I do have a great interest in going into the more academic arena. I love to read and do research, and I also love to teach. I love to reflect and think - and also to challenge people (especially youths) to do that.

Some people who know me well have encouraged me to further my studies and get my PhD. No doubt, that’s been a bit of a temptation, but never much. I’ve never really believed in furthering my studies. In a way, it goes against my principles. It’s too costly and time consuming and I don’t think it’s what the world needs.

I know people will say that your PhD and your certificates get you places. It gives you the credibility you need and allows your voice to be heard. No doubt that’s true. The world looks well upon such degrees. But that doesn’t mean we need to conform to what the world wants. I don’t think God gives a damn about whether you have a PhD or even whether you have a basic Bachelor degree. I don’t think God cares even 1% as much as we do about our titles, awards and certificates. These are all wordly concerns, things we easily put our trust in - to the detriment of our own faith in God.

(I’ve always believed that the greatest in the Kingdom of God aren’t those we hear about - be it that great theologian, that great pastor or that great leader. All the greatest have probably never been in the limelight. They probably don’t network as well or have as many friends as the leaders we know. The greatest are simply those who fear God - not man - the most, those who seek the praises of God first, not that of man.)

Make no mistake. I am all for thinking critically. I think Christians would practice their faith better if they were more critical (and holistic!) in their theological understanding. I think development practitioners and NGOs would better be able to help the poor if they were more critical in their understanding of development issues. Furthermore, as a Christian, Jesus also asked us to worship God with our minds. So using one’s mind is very important.

But having said that, I think we have too many people who only read, talk and write. Too many people who read too much, talk to much and write too much - and live too little. There’s just too little living of the life.

The Christian world doesn’t need more theologians, it needs more missionaries. It needs to de-emphasize the importance of academic requirements for entry into pastoral or missionary ministry. Since when in the early Church did missionaries or pastors need to go through theological training to qualify? The focus on all other matters but living needs to decrease. And I’m all for young Christians [in terms of both their spiritual or physical (age) maturity level] becoming a pastor or missionary.

I spent the last 6 months on a huge charity project, and as meaningful as that may be, it’s not something that truly satisfies me. In fact, it leaves me deeply unsatisfied - just like my life for as long as I can remember.

I don’t really care about my “career”. I am not interested in making as many friends as possible or networking widely to get places. I don’t really care about my reputation or name. People seek comfort in all these things. People take years to increase their stature in these areas. But to me, I’ve always wanted something different. None of these ultimately satisfies.

To me, the most important thing is to serve the poor and lost together with a person I can love and treasure. Even if that meant leaving blogging, leaving writing, leaving reading, leaving my family, leaving my friends, leaving the modern and developed world to start really living the life - that would still be more than satisfying.

There is no greater meaning or satisfaction than to serve the Father of my Lord Jesus Christ wholeheartedly - even if it means dying for Christ. Many in this world are lost and dying. Billions are in poverty. If only I could leave Singapore this year and serve Him wholeheartedly with someone I love. It’s not about whether one is ready. The time is always now…

That would be my new year’s wish…

My work with the pastors and laypeople there deepened my resolve to lead a public life, but it also forced me to confront a dilemma that my mother never fully resolved in her own life: the fact that I had no community or shared traditions in which to ground my most deeply held beliefs. The Christians with whom I worked recognized themselves in me; they saw that I knew their Book and shared their values and sang their songs. But they sensed that a part of me remained removed, detached, an observer among them. I came to realize that without an unequivocal commitment to a particular community of faith, I would be consigned at some level to always remain apart, free in the way that my mother was free, but also alone in the same ways she was ultimately alone.

(Barack Obama, My Spiritual Journey)

I don’t like to suck up to people, as in go there and tell them, ‘Oh, did you wait very long? I’m really sorry to keep you waiting.’ I’m not that type lah. I will just say, ‘Thank you for supporting me.’ That’s the most I feel is appropriate for me ‘cos I’m not that type.

I wasn’t all out to garner votes. I was just too much of being myself. But I’m glad that I left because I was myself. I wouldn’t want to be someone else.

…I can never be an Idol. I’m too hardcore, I’m too rough… I’m not clean enough, not safe enough.

…If I lie to myself, that’s when I really get pissed. That’s what I really don’t wanna do. I want to be me. What I seek, what I do, I wanna breathe me.

…I hope that the contestants would be a lot more sincere. All the love, the smiles and stuff, some of it may be strategic, some of it may be genuine… We mingle a lot, but somehow I feel that some of them aren’t exactly sincere about it. I hate the feeling.

That’s why I’m kind of relieved to leave the competition also. I sincerely cannot take all this kind of act.

(Rahimah Rahim, quoted from She’s hit rock bottom)

I hadn’t heard of Rahimah Rahim before I came across the above article while searching the MediaCorp TV website to see if the Liverpool vs. Chelsea Community Shield match would be televised on Channel 5. As of this writing, I still haven’t seen or heard any of her performance.

Yet, I don’t need to hear her sing to admire her. It is not her singing that I respect of her, but her strength of character. What do I mean? The above article says it all: she’s kind of an Outsider, and I think Meursault/Albert Camus, Howard Roark/Ayn Rand and Colin Wilson would agree.

I say kind of because a true Outsider would never seek to be the Singapore Idol in the first place. He would never seek the praises and acceptance of man, but live for truth - and that alone would be good enough for him.

Full credit to her though, for she tries to live like that. As the writer of the article said, she stands for honest truth. Not fame, not love, not money - but truth. A man of lesser character would seek fame, power, love of man and riches. Not her. Just truth will do, thank-you-very-much. Yes, she’s also got a bit of Thoreau in her…

My dear Rahimah, for the sake of living consistently according to your principles, for the sake of living life first hand and not second, for the sake of being true to yourself and your values, I’m glad you’ve left the competition. For if you had not, you’ll only face the temptation to win the approval of man stronger and stronger each week - i.e. the temptation to lose your soul to gain what cannot satisfy you.

Do not compromise. Live your life as who you are, live your life true to yourself. The world may not like what they see in you. They may even end up disliking you, hating you. But if you stand firm and live an authentic life, you will win in the end…

A long time ago, I summed up The Outsider in a sentence which I realized is extremely paradoxical: “In our society any man who doesn’t cry at his mother’s funeral is liable to be condemned to death.” I simply meant that the hero of the book is condemned because he doesn’t play the game. In this sense, he is an outsider to the society in which he lives, wandering on the fringe, on the outskirts of life, solitary and sensual. And for that reason, some readers have been tempted to regard him as a reject. But to get a more accurate picture of his character, or rather one which conforms more closely to the author’s intentions, you must ask yourself in what way Meursault doesn’t play the game. The answer is simple: he refuses to lie. Lying is not only saying what isn’t true it is also, in fact especially, saying more than one feels. We all do it, everyday, to make life simpler. But, contrary to appearances, Meursault doesn’t want to make life simpler. He says what he is, he refuses to hide his true feelings and society immediately feels threatened. For example, he is asked to say that he regrets his crime in time-honoured fashion. He replies that he feels more annoyance about it than true regret. And it is this nuance that condemns him.

So for me Meursault is not a reject, but a poor and naked man, in love with a sun that leaves no shadows. Far from lacking all sensibility, he is driven by a tenacious and therefore profound passion, the passion for an absolute and for a truth. This truth is as yet a negative one, a truth born of living and feeling, but without which no triumph over the self or over the world will ever be possible.

So one wouldn’t be far wrong in seeing The Outsider as the story of a man who, without any heroic pretensions, agrees to die for the truth. I also once said, and again paradoxically, that I tried to make my character represent the only Christ that we deserve. It will be understood, after these explanations, that I said it without any intention of blasphemy but simply with the somewhat ironic affection that an artist has a right to feel towards the characters he has created.

(Albert Camus, 8 January 1955)

I’m not good at respecting elders or submitting to authority. Whether that’s a good thing or bad, I guess that really depends.

It’s not that I don’t respect anyone or that I will never submit to any authority. It’s just very hard for me to find people I can truly respect and look up to. And trust me, I wish I could find such people. It’s always good to find mentors and leaders you can look up to and learn much from. For me, I can’t say I’ve found anybody like that. And I think it’s simply because I’m very idealistic and have high standards. I’m a perfectionist. I demand a lot of myself and same for others. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have time for those who fail to reach those standards. For indeed, I myself fail my own standards most of the time. I am my worst critic.

So for me to really respect someone, the person has to be truly outstanding - in my eyes, at least. There are many wonderful people out there. But very, very few I can really, really respect.

One thing that really irks me about those older than me is that, in the presence of the young, they always have to talk a lot about their life, their vast experiences and through all that give lotsa advice to the young. Now, I have no problems with receiving advice. But age and experience alone does not qualify one to give advice to another. Elders need to stop thinking they have all the answers to the problems. They need to stop speaking to the young in a condescending way as though they know everything. Seriously, I am not impressed. Many others may be, but not me.

Why can’t old people learn to talk less and listen more? I think I’m more inclined to respect someone who listens and takes an interest in the life of the young, rather than one who always wants to advice the young.

Old people do have more experience, no doubt. Experiences they have gone through may be worth a lot when say a 60 year old one hundred years ago is advising a 20 year old. But in this rapidly changing world, their experiences are worth less because things aren’t the same anymore. The young learn fast. So old people shouldn’t assume that the young are as ignorant as they were at their young age.

Perhaps the most irritating thing I hate about the advice of the old is that they are supremely pragmatic people, giving supremely pragmatic advice. Most old people are like that anyway. They lose their idealism as they grow old and that’s a sad thing. Most of the old look down on the idealism of the young. And that’s what I can’t stand about old people. They have lived for long and know how the world works and so their advice is very often to be pragmatic, not to be too idealistic and that one should sacrifice one’s principles because this is just the way the world works.

I really liked what OCBC Bank chairman Dr. Cheong Choong Kong said at his convocation speech (22/04/06) at the University of Adelaide. His first advice was:

Don’t do what is expected. Be contrarian. No one’s ever achieved greatness by following the textbook or meekly obeying orders.

Now, here’s an elder’s advice that is worthy of respect. We need more of such people. We need more of such advice. We hear too little of such advice. Actually, sorry, we do hear a lot about such advice. Such advice was printed in Singapore’s mainstream newspaper. We constantly hear people telling us to be different, non-conformist and creative. But most people who say it’s good to be such don’t usually mean it, do they? That’s why most people don’t live like that. It’s cool to say we should be like that. It’s totally uncool and frowned upon if one were to actually live like that.

We hear a lot about creativity being something that only a non-conformist possess. For a confomist and someone who is too willing to listen to the advice of others and submit to authoriy would never do anything different. Asians, in particular, face the problem of too much conformity. Their culture values conformity and frowns upon individualism.

Now, I’m not being pro-western, I’m not idealizing individualism. I do think there is a place for both. We don’t want to go to the extreme on either end. Being different or a non-conformist is no great thing on its own. Being rebellious against authority isn’t a virtue.

But I just wish to see a bit more non-conformity around here. We can start by not giving a damn about what most of our elders think of us and our lives and saying “no thank you” to their advice. We need to stop giving so much respect to the advice and words of our elders. Especially so in an ultra pragmatic place like Singapore.

Dr. Cheong’s second advice is that life is confusing:

Outside the university, very little is plain and simple, black and white, and there is no all-knowing professor whom you can turn to for unambiguous answers.

There’s an important link between his first and second advice. Only if you realize that the world is complex and confusing and that many things aren’t so black and white - only if you realize that would you be be able to accept his first advice. If things are so black and white for you, then you may as well go to seek the “wisdom” of elders because surely they would have sorted life out after so many years and would have good advice for you. But if you know life is more complex, then when you listen to an old man’s advice, you’d take it with a pinch of salt and would realize you still need to figure a lot of things out for yourself and do things your own way.

So who are the people I respect? I respect people who hold strong to their ideals without compromising them - of course their ideals have to be worthy and good! Especially those who suffer because of them, because it shows they truly believe in them - however impractical they may be. Like Henry David Thoreau said:

Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.

People with good principles and ideals are most worthy of respect. These are people who are hardly pragmatic. People like Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, Nelson Mandela and Aung San Syu Kyi. Even people like Jorge Mario Bergoglio. As for people closer to home and to my life, I admire opposition politicians in Singapore like JB Jeyaretnam and Chee Soon Juan. Regarding the later, I don’t agree with everything he says or does but I give great credit to him for standing up for what he believes and sacrificing so much for his cause. It takes guts to continue to do what you believe in despite so much opposition and humiliation. That’s what I admire about him. Singaporeans are too pragmatic a people to appreciate someone like him. As for someone I know personally, it would be my friend Zach and his wife Angie, whose faithfulness to God and the ideals of the Bible and His will put almost every Christian I know to shame.

And of course, regarding submitting to authorities, I try my best to submit my life to the authority of God. Yes, to God, and not to church leaders. Church leaders have to earn people’s respect. With most of them thinking they have a direct line to God and thus are somehow more spiritual than normal church members, with them thinking that their advice ought to be taken as that of God’s and that their interpretation of Scripture always the right one (a bit funny since so many church leaders and pastors disagree with one another’s interpretation of Scripture), it’s hard for them to earn my respect. Give me a Church leader who is humble, non-dogmatic, more keen to listen than talk and lives the Christian life out and you’ve found yourself a follower in me.

And for those who think all I’ve written sounds like the foolish idealism of a young person, I’ll end here with the last words of advice by Steve Jobs’ 2005 Convocation speech at Stanford:

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.